I grew up Catholic, and I remember how deeply devout I was as a child. Then something happened. The love and comfort I felt in the belief that I was inseparably connected to God turned into something else: fear, shame, and self-loathing. I had come to recognize that I could never be the person the church told me I must be.

I was taught that I would be damned to eternal punishment for something over which I had no control. I was told that I should have control, that actually I did, and that my inability to change was a personal and willful failure, a rejection of God’s will. No amount of prayer and willing myself to be straight made a difference. I hated myself for it, and I was told that this, too, was a sin. I despaired for years. I still haven’t shaken that feeling completely.

Even before I knew I was gay, I felt a growing sense of unease around the church. There was much love in evidence. However, the love was inherently conditional on obedience to rules from the Bible, an ancient and self-contradicting text revered by my elders as the literal word of God, its stories taught as historical fact. I wanted to believe. I could not. And at the same time, I could not stop believing.

Then there were the preachers I heard regularly. My father was not Catholic, but he identified as a “God-fearing” man. He tuned the radio to ranting, angry-sounding sermons of men like Vernon McGee, Jimmy Swaggart, and Jerry Fallwell. They all told me I was garbage, without hope of redemption unless I could resist or expunge my homosexuality. I heard them so often that to this day, I cringe viscerally at the sound of evangelical preaching—even the non-judgmental, inclusive kind.

That I am active with The Garden attests to its genuine, loving inclusivity. I feel accepted, yes; welcomed, absolutely; valued, without question. I trust the leadership, integrity, and intent of The Garden. But I don’t feel at home. The wound is too deep.

Do you relate to any of this? Do my thoughts resonate with you? Do they make you feel like defending the church? To what degree do you feel at home when you find yourself in a faith community, whether weekly by choice or occasionally at a funeral or wedding?

We’re talking about the church — and a lot more* — Monday evenings through March 28 in The Generation Project: Call Me By My Name. This group is decidedly not about evangelism. You’re encouraged to come in person, but you can join us on Zoom, too. Come share your story. Ask questions and share your feelings in a supportive forum. We do not seek to convert you. But we would love to hear you.

*Topics include but may not be limited to pronoun preferences, gender roles and identity, church hurt, and the role a faith community might serve for those who have been (or continue to feel) not-at-home in church.